Executive Decisions

I thought about posting last night, but thunder and lighting were dueling in the sky. So I decided to eavesdrop instead.

I’m looking for a job it’s true. Killing my eyes with deadly computer monitor rays, clicking away at elusive postings, dirtying my hands with gritty dark newsprint–I hope for your own sake I’m describing a foreign world.

I’ve had 2 and a half interviews. Two of them have been with the same “company.” About two weeks ago I was scrubbing the Classified section of the Dispatch when I stumbled upon a mysterious (yet provacative) entry. I decided to pounce upon the opportunity (inquire further) and dialed the number listed. It was later in the day so I had to settle with leaving a message. Early the next morning I was jolted out of my sleep by the telephone. Wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I groggily grabbed the phone off the desk and answered.

“Tim, this is *** from DK Promotions and I’m calling in response to your message with us yesterday afternoon…”

Despite my rather dazed state of mind I did manage to acquire an interview for later that afternoon. The ease with which all this was accomplished should have been my first warning sign. These people hadn’t even seen my resume–I could have been the dullest knife in the bloc for all they knew.

I arrived promptly at my first interview. I looked sharp, my resume was hot; good stuff, you know? A finely suited Exec came out and ushered me in to his rather barren office. He was interested in philosophy, so maybe my guard let up (nothing like shared interests to pad one’s ego).

“Everything looks good,” he admitted seriously, “my partner and I have been interviewing people non stop and tonight we will call the top three candidates to offer them another interview on Monday.” “The second interview is a real treat–it’s an all day long interview, not paper work and testing, but shadowing one of our top account Executives. If you’re recommended at the end of the day there will be a third interview and a potential offer. This is a really exciting opportunity; it is a fast track management training program designed to get you to the top in only a year. We’re growing so fast that it makes it necessary to develop new managment talent quickly.”

Of course, I was excited. Being an all-powerful manager would be great…Hmm, will I be one of the top candidates? Naturally I was–my phone rang that evening at the appropriate time with confirmation of my brilliance:

“Make sure you don’t have anything scheduled for Monday, wear professional attire and comfortable shoes–you’ll be on your feet a good bit.”

Illusions of power and success lingered in my mind; I would get to participate in front line marketing action. Perhaps watch as my shadowy Executive faltered in a presentation to a potential high-rolling Client (and then jump in to save the day and broker the perfect deal). I would be surrounded by $1000 suits and caviar, sure I’d be on my feet, but golfers are on their feet all day too.

Monday came and I arrived freshly pressed in a new shirt and tie; my mind prepared and ready to interact at full capacity.

Walking into the reception area I had my first setback. The room was full of “successful candidates;” there weren’t just 3 Ubergeniuses, there were 9, or 12. I was one of the first to be called back, which partially assuaged my burgeoning doubts (the others were weak impostors, or there for some other reason perhaps). I was to shadow “top executive” Mike (setback number two). Mike was closer to an antithesis rather than an epitome of my idea of Executive identity. No matter, mustn’t judge on appearances, right?

Moving out to the foyer, after responding to brief querries by Executive Mike, I found that we were taking his transportation to the Client location for the day. It is particularly germane to admit that I was compelled to sign a slip of paper admitting that everything I was doing was voluntary (I voluntarily, though in ignorance, signed the paper).

Mike, a fresh trainee, and I, all clambered into the Executive Transport shuttle (a mid 90′s SUV) and left the office. My dear reader, I’m sure you can see what sort of trouble I’m in at this point. I’ve confessed with a signature that my presence is voluntary, I’m in their car and nowhere near my regular stomping grounds–and I’m still not sure what we’re going to do for the rest of the day.

Instead of arriving at a posh metallic superstructure and taking the express elevator to the rooftop conference center we arrived in a neighborhood and parked along a curb.

“Today we’ll be selling Tuffy’s Oil Changes–4 for the price of 1.”

I was stuck with some professionally dressed solicitors and I felt worse than a Jehovah’s Witness. Worse yet, I had on “comfortable” formal shoes (as opposed to the hiking boots I should have worn for 8 hours worth of suburban treking).

I remained optimistic for the first part of the day. Perhaps door to door sales was only a minor and ultimately insignificant part of the “training program.” Yet the more I learned about the company and the program the closer I moved to despair.

But I was stuck with no transportation and relatively far from home (in retrospect I should have called a taxi and eaten the fee; it would have saved my feet). Trudging hopelessly along I counted the minutes til our return, constantly mulling over how I would tell-off my Executive. When we returned I could barely walk and was thirstier than the desert itself. I barely summoned enough energy to quietly tell Mike I wasn’t interested (I’d rather die than have this job), limped out to my car, and drove home.

I’m not the only one pissed off at the unethical recruiting techniques of this company: the ripoff report: dk marketing and CAP promotions.

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  1. iamnasra
    Jun 29, 2005

    quite unexpected day as it seems..well at times we encounter the unexpected I think…

  2. Kyle
    Jun 29, 2005

    Even after working in corporate America for almost 4 years now, I am continually amazed at the ability companies have to spin things. Most of it is done with jargon and seemingly fancy titles…all a clever ploy to trick us all into trusting them.

  3. tim
    Jun 29, 2005

    iamnasra: to a certain extent we are always encountering the unexpected. I’m gad you stumbled upon this blog; and I noticed you’re interested in poetry. If you get a chance you may want to check out some poems posted on this blog. Check under the “Poems not Prose” sidebar.

    Kyle: leave it to a “marketing” firm to throw the ultimate spin at their potential employees…

  4. colleen
    Jun 30, 2005

    wow…are you sure that wasn’t just a twisted anxiety-induced nightmare?

    Because it sounds like one i’d have in your situation.
    How frustrating. :P

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