I’ve been moonlighting this week covering an out of town friend’s paper route.

If they have jobs in hell, this may be one of the ones available. Here’s a glimpse into what my night schedule has been for the last few days: 1. Go to bed as early as possible (though with the wedding fast approaching and all the the things aside from that that need getting done “early” has been about 11 pm). 2. Get up at 2:15 am and groggily pull some clothes on, brush my teeth and splash my face with water. 3. Leave the house (2:20 am). 4. Arrive at the warehouse and shuffle in through the automatic doors into a fluorescently-lit concrete prep area where I will collect my papers with a large metal paper-dolly and cart them back to a table so I can roll them for the next hour (2:30 am). 5. Roll papers for an hour (this isn’t as bad as it sounds, I’m so tired it passes rather quickly). 6. After I finish rolling the papers I cart everything out to the car and pre-pack some holding boxes and messenger bags, then it’s go time (3:30-3:45 am). 7. Deliver papers, cheers! I’m usually done about 6 am, and after that I come home and go to bed for a few more hours (which is what I’m going to do in a couple of minutes).

I doubt I’ll ever do this again, but I must say that I have picked up some valuable skills. One such skill is the high art of newspaper throwing. I can save time by heaving the paper to the doorstep (not in the flowers on either side), this comes in handy if you’re in a hurry because it’s raining (like it did this morning). I’ve actually gotten incredibly good at it. I can accurately lauch a newspaper onto a front stoop from a good 20 feet away. It’s all in the wrist action and the follow through. If you have good bowling form, you’d probably make a good Newsie. My paper-tossing skills totally paid off this morning. I was finishing up the route when I noticed a small non-rabbit, non-squirrel like animal. I guess that leaves the possibility of a raccoon or a possum, but it wasn’t one of those either. It was a skunk. Scurrying along door to door about a house ahead of me, sometimes it would stop and I would lose sight of it. This, my dear friends, made me very worried. I’ve never taken a tomato juice bath before and, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really want to. In these instances of nervous apprehension I would cautiously approach the house and launch the paper from as far away as possible (praying all the while that the smack of the landing paper wouldn’t frighten the skunk into running after me or spraying me).

I’m proud to report that I am odor free…