Cube Wars
me: Yesterday a centipede fell on my head from the ceiling.
Chad: Where the hell do you work?
me: I was jumpy for the rest of the day because after I brushed it off it disappeared.
Chad: What are you taking?
me: Nothing, which may be the problem…
Chad: Hmmm…could be.
me: I tell you man, the windows here are not air tight; there are an inordinate amount of creepy crawlies here for an office environment.
Chad: Interesting…
me: Ladybugs, spiders, centipedes, little knats occasionally.
Chad: Nice.
me: I ought to wear mosquito netting or something or wash out my cubicle with Deet! I’m thinking a fumigator needs to be installed next to my computer.
Chad: That would look nice.
me: Imagine how that would look! Bulbous chemicals clouding the air, and insects croaking to their death by the hundreds on the floor, while I type steadfastly away in a biohazard suit…did you read that article about global warming and imminent monster poison ivy?
Chad: Oh my… no…
me: Soon, the office walls will be covered in toxic foliage so powerful that even the strongest walls and heaviest weed whackers will be unable to prevail.
You should try working in a 150 year old library building that was originally intended to be used as an art museum but has been reconstructed so many times that a building made of tin foil and duct tape would stand a better chance of surviving the torrential onslaught of a misty spring day. Whenever the newsman hints at rain, the computer labs sprout water like spit from the mouth of a Cleveland Browns fan.
My insect friends and I will take on your puny clan any day of the week and twice on sunday. but I never work on sundays, because I have a state job.
do your computer labs chew and swallow tobacco as well?
The monster black widow and her hundreds of egg-bound children attached to the back of my new steelcase rolling chair will kick you in the face, even on Friday when most state employees take unofficial half days.
Friday is actually an offical holiday for us now, along with Mondays before noon and the four hours before and after lunch.